Universal Soldier: The Return

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme
Director: Mic Rodgers
Genre: Action
Year: 1999
Rating: 1 / 5

Jean-Claude Van Damme's career is over. Some would argue, of course, that the Muscles from Brussels never had a career to begin with, and, truth be told, I am having a hard time remembering those glory days. Ever since The Quest in 1996, Van Damme's career has spiraled out of control, to the point where he has not had a bona fide success since 1994's Timecop. Universal Soldier: The Return is horrendous. There are virtually no redeeming qualities to this film, with the possible exception of Bill Goldberg, the professional wrestler who eschews acting in favor of his famous in-ring maneuvers. This film, the sequel to a Van Damme film that actually amounted to something, is bland from start to finish, and is saved solely by its short - eighty-three minutes! - running time.

Luc Deveraux (Van Damme) is a UniSol, the only surviving Universal Soldier from a botched governmental project designed to create the perfect soldier. It seems that the army likes to take the corpses of dead soldiers, bio-engineer them, fit them with computer chips, and send them out to inflict mass destruction. So what is the big deal? In the first film, Luc Deveraux, a veteran of the Vietnam War, is brought back to life by the UniSol program. He is forced to battle an army of renegade UniSols, led by the equally charismatic Dolph Lundgren. A few intense fight sequences and a handful of entertaining car (and truck) chases later, Deveraux is barely alive, thanks in no small part to the murderous rampages of these UniSols.

Fast forward about fifteen years, and Luc Deveraux is now a special consultant to the UniSol 2500 program. Not only had he managed to forget the threat that these soldiers pose, he is even foolish enough to help train them, this with his young daughter in attendance. This time, the UniSols are controlled by a free-thinking computer (voice by Michael Jai White), thus making them more manageable. Shocking everyone, the computer takes over, leading its UniSols on a rampage to take over the world. Something about Charles Darwin's survival of the fittest is thrown in, but that is really beside the point. The bad guys are killing everyone in sight, and it is up to Luc Deveraux to save the day. Wait - let me catch my breath.

Universal Solider: The Return is as bad as they come. Van Damme usually delivers some interesting fight sequences, but even those are few and far between here. If he ever had a penchant for witty one-liners, it seems to have eluded him here. Heidi Schanz plays the stereotypical newspaper reporter, which is the exact same role Ally Walker played in the original. Bill Goldberg, as the #2 evil-doer, is fun to watch, if for no other reason than the fact that I expected precious little from him. Add it all up, and this is a movie to be avoided at all costs. Better yet, avoid any future Jean-Claude Van Damme movies until further notice.

Cast:

Jean-Claude Van Damme..........	Luc Deveraux
Michael Jai White..........	S.E.T.H.
Bill Goldberg..........	Romeo
Heidi Schanz..........	Erin

Certification: Rated R for violence.
Running Time: 83 minutes.

Additional Info: Internet Movie Database
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